This, that and what not

well, weird things floating in my mind. I don't know why?
I am feeling as if I'm ruined, my creativity has lost somewhere.
I believing this *cause in past I's feeling that I'm creative. I don't know why and how I was saying and believing this, but believe me I was like this and that. By this and that, I am I was clever, intelligent, creative, handsome-I never was handsome. I was shy kinda bullshit. Was searching negative things in myself like I won't b able to speak to a crowd, this is what I did in my college and university, addressed people from all part of life, like engineers, doctors and blah blah.
I never hesitate in front of them. so why I was thinking like this. **sigh** damn on me.
Where that courage sneaked into me at that time, I guess someone was helping me. Someone special for whom I was working at that time.:)
And then I came to this bloody IT field. Its not that I didn't fall in love with it, but question now is why did this happen to me. I must have gone somewhere else and have done something else, something extraordinary. gash... just ruined myself. nothing in the field, money.... yeah you can have some bucks... bucks are not all that give you satisfaction. you don't believe.. don't but think in reality, give some serious thought and I am sure you will get agree with me one day for some movement atleast... If you still don't, go to he**.What..... why are you thinking like this. I didn't say hell, be positive.
Well in my entire life I try to be perfect one, a person that get everything, learn everything.... I ruined my life for becoming a good person... or I was trying to be seen as good person ... I controlled my emotions in front of other, I didn't shade tears in front of other showing them how much courage I have....bullshit.... I don't have the courage to face my own life, the realities I am facing....
Well, If you don't want to pass through all these weird things that I went through, just free your mind...give some peace to yourself, leave yourself relaxed... don't care of others and fully express yourself... don't think what other think of you.... think of yourself... what you like, and what not...If you feel that person in front of you need to be slapped for some inappropriate and unacceptable behavior, slap... and see how much amusement it gonna give you...believe me you would be happy at the end of the day and the person you slap would be happy too.